l.o.n.e.l.y December 16, 2008

i.h.a.t.e.l.o.n.e.l.y.

Where do all the dreams go? November 10, 2008

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of what I would be when I grew up.  Its funny, really, how fascinated we are as children with the idea of one day being an adult.  Then when we finally reach what we believe will be the pinnacle of our existence….adulthood…..we long for the sweeter times of childhood when much more in the world seemed good and we were naive to the battles adults must face each day.  Even as an adult now, I often dream.  However, the dreams are harder to believe in now that knowledge and experiences have tinted my rose colored glasses.  All of those “Someday I’m going to” or “Someday I will” have turned in to “I wish I could” and “If only I were able to”s. 

Why is it that once we reach a certain age, we stop believing?  Is it right to do so?  And what of that one dream that has stuck in your head, in the back tucked neatly into the furthest corner never to be fully pursued but always to be thought of?  Will it ever surface or is it best to it neatly tucked away?

Live moves On October 31, 2008

In the last few days, I’ve noticed that my Beta fish, Berkley, was looking a little under the weather.  He’s getting a bit bloated, not eating as much, looking a bit silverish, and not being as active.  I made sure he had fresh water, added a little bit of electrolyte stuff to boost his health and still he went down hill.  This warranted a visit to the pet store where they told me Betas only live for about one year.  His birthday is coming up – ofcourse I don’t know the exact date but I got him late November, early December of last year.  This means I will most likely be saying good by to my dear Beta in awhile.  This makes me really sad.  He’s been such a great pet – fun to watch, easy to care for, hardy and strong, and cheap.   I enjoy having him around to talk to when I’m around my apartment.  He really is fun to watch too with his beautiful fins and funny fighting stance when he thinks his territory is being threatened.  Ah well, life moves on.

This along with some other circumstances have made me think about my life and how recently I’ve been hopping around so much.  My commitment to many things in the past couple years hasn’t lasted more than a year or two.  Specifically the job sector.  I keep asking me why that is.  Is it just b/c I usually can’t get anything but a part time job so when something better comes a long I jump on it?  Is it because I have commitment issues?  Is it because I’m afraid, don’t know what I want, or just so unsure that I’m not good at being grounded?

I still haven’t figured that all out yet but as I was leaving the pet store thinking about the impending death of my beautiful Berkley I wondered if I would get a new Beta or a different kind of fish when he dies.  Another friend to talk to at home .  But then I thought, he’s only going to live a year too, that’s sad.  And I pondered the idea of getting a pet that lives longer.  Not a cat or dog – too much work and money.  I saw the birds and thought, “Now that would be fun.”  I know birds live longer than one year and they’re also fun to watch – however, they make noise, not sure how I’d feel about that.  The parakeets are only $20 so pretty afordable adn pretty to look at.  A certain canary seemed as interested in me as I was in it.  But……plans are to move to a different country soon and they probably wouldn’t welcome a bird from another country.  Transporting it probably wouldn’t work either.  I’m not sure how they would take pressure on a plane.  THey’re heads are so small, would they explode form the pressure? 

I guess that means either I’ll be petless or back with a Beta……..more to come on this most likely.

Meandering Struggles to Reconcile October 17, 2008

I’ve been reading a lot about Human Trafficking lately. Yesterday I got the book, ‘A Crime So Monstrous’ by E. Benjamin Skinner through interlibrary loan. I immediately turned to the chapters that speak about trafficking in Europe. Sometimes I think perhaps it’s not as bad as it used to be because I don’t find reports on some of the places I had a few years ago. And now there are plenty of mandates and laws against it. But this horrendous act against God’s creation is far from over. I’m sure these stories don’t affect me as they do those who have heard them firsthand but oh how they break my heart. Just hearing (or rather reading) the stories makes your heart grieve, ache, stop at times. But what must it be like to be the storytellers? Those whose atrocious experiences are far beyond my wildest, darkest, imagination nightmares. And while I’m glad Skinner is helping millions of us understand what’s happening in deep, dark pockets in every corner of this earth, I also grieve for his heart and mind as they must replay the gruesome scenes he witnessed around the world. I pray God heals and renews his mind and heart.

But the more I learn, the more my heart aches, the more I long to be part of the army of soldiers rising to combat this underground war. Right now my role can only be advocacy and prayer.

As I’ve been thinking about such things, however, I’ve had a hard time reconciling some things. When I was at Ozark Christian College and even before that living at home, I lived in a euphoria of naivete. I knew there was hunger, I knew there was suffering and pain but it didn’t touch me. I lived in a state of suburbia influenced complacency in my view of the world. Even when I went to Turkey, I often let this naive view of the world take over. Perhaps that was grace that kept me from becoming soaked in the depressing realities that we so often don’t see around us.

Still I’m having a hard time reconciling all of this past and present with the dark realities beyond some of our doorsteps. I don’t want my past “innocence” to govern my future. But I also don’t want to lose the hope that prevailed in that. I want to know more and become more involved in helping those who are abused by evil selfishness but I never want to lose hope, I never want to lose peace and I never want to lose joy – all of which can only come from Above.

Lastly, please pray for those sold into slavery – in many different forms today. Pray for those who abuse and take advantage of those who cannot stand up for themselves. Pray for those who use these slaves. They all need prayer, they all need healing, they all need truth, and they all need their Savior.

My First Artist Date!! September 10, 2008

I went on my first artist date yesterday!  This is a suggestion by the book I am reading called, “The Artist’s Way”.  When you go on an artist date, you take your “artist” self out to be inspired or just enjoy something artistically. 
I really wanted to go to the high school soccer game so I decided that could be my artist date.  As sat and enjoyed the game (because soccer is just so amazing of a sport), I also watched how the sunlight played on the players.  The sun was setting a bit in the late afternoon so it created really great shadows across the field and people.  Now I have some great ideas for a painting if I ever get the time to paint.

Morning pages have not started off well with me.  I did the first day and now haven’t done any.  I have been in the process of moving so Ihaven’t even had a lot of time to sleep and eat.   But maybe if I do my pages at a different time of the day they would work out better for me.  I’m not a morning person, and nights are better so maybe I will try something that works for me better.

Deep Day September 8, 2008

This morning at church a teacher was talking about false summits and how we fill our lives with false summits b/c we are looking for the ultimate summit ( a relationship with our heavenly Father) but get distracted by what we believe might be fulfilling.  It made me think about what I am actively pursuing.  Am I actively pursuing the goals I say are in my life.  I say I want to go to Europe, am I actively pursuing that?  I say I want to live my life for Jesus, am I always actively pursuing a relationship with him?  I say I want to graduate, am I actively working on my Thesis so that I can?  Tough questions, even tougher to answer when I know the answer isn’t what I wish it would be.

Tonight, I was watching a video w/ some people and the man (forgot his name) asked this question, “Do you truly believe that what you believe is really real?”  It made me think about this morning and my thoughts on my pursuits.  If I truly believe in something then my pursuits will be a testimony of that.  My thoughts what I fill each day with will prove that I do in fact believe that it is real.  So, in restrospect, has what I have been filling my days with been acting as a testimony to what I say I believe?  Words are so easy to spew but when we look at our actions and what we do with each day………well, it’s humbling.

Living out what I say can really be a struggle for me.  I am an idealist – truly, that’s what the personality tests tell me.   An idealist is good at coming up with ideas, saying what needs to be said, offering suggestions but does not always follow through.  An idealist is creative but does not always act on those creative musings or inspirations.  I’m not always an initiator.  That’s something I have to consciously work on…….

The Artist Way begins September 2, 2008

This week I begin my journey through the Artist Way study.  I’m very excited to see what it will reveal, what I will learn, how my view and ideas may change.  This first chapter was already eye-opening and difficult to think through sometimes.  Looking back at our monsters that have discouraged us from doing something we love is not fun.  I find that I’ve blocked a lot of them from my mind yet their influence has greatly affected my art.  I often feel “artist block” when painting, writing, playing the piano.  I was once discussing my inability to improvise on the piano like my brother does, wishing I could.  My mentor told me she thought it was just a mind game I was letting myself fall into.  She believed I probably could do that if I really wished to.  She’s definitely one of my “champions”

Looking back I’ve often realized that growing up all I ever really wanted to be involved in was some sort of art.  Art moves me like nothing else, whether its a story, a picture, a movie, a song.  I LOVE art in all its many forms.  But somewhere along the line I convinced myself that art is not where one should spend all of their time.  It shouldn’t be one’s life focus my mind has told me, it should only be a hobby.  So I’ve pushed all forms that I’ve loved and enjoyed doing to the side to pursue a “responsible” career. 

In all of this I’ve always felt confused as to what God made me for and where He wants me to be.  Which I know is why I am still in school.  I still feel confused about where art comes into my life and what role it should play.  There are so many things I want to do, to be involved in so its hard for me to make decisions.   Indecisive people often get to me, probably b/c I am so indecisive myself.

In this chapter I also felt myself identifying with the “shadow artists”.  I think I often become one of those.  I’ve often said my dream job would be travelling as a “back-up singer.”  But probably that would get old.  I’m even having a hard time being a teachers’ helper after only a few weeks b/c I have all these ideas and wish I didn’t have to just do things the way the schools and teachers think they should be done.  

Well, I think this study is going to be very challenging and eye-opening and extremely helpful.  I’m just hoping I can transform into a morning person for those morning journalings!  I’ve never been good at waking up on time!!!

Change…the inevitable. August 29, 2008

It’s been an interesting week.  Full of excitement, happy news, sad news, weird happenings, and much more.  Everyday I go to work I learn something new.  Everyday I see my friends, I learn something new about them.  Constantly learning, constantly changing.  Change is inevitable yet sometimes we try so hard to avoid it.  But if we never change, if we never experience it, if we never see it, if we never join in it, we’ll never grow, we’ll never learn, we’ll never grow closer to our Creator and what He meant for us to be, to see, to experience.

This week I had to watch a video on the “origins of the world”.  It was actually really depressing, I thought.  It explained our origins through evolution; planets crashing into planets, lava spewing, stars and planets aligning.  I began to think, “So if this were it, what’s the point?  We live we die, and according to them someday the earth may not even be here if it supposedly follows mars’ trend and we’ll be nothing but dust.”  So whats the point of caring about my students, why care about my friends and my family when they hurt.  Why be joyful and celebrate the life we’ve been given if it’s all going to end into nothingness?  And how depressing if this is all we get, with all its pain and sadness mixed in. Then I felt a rush of the Spirit and I knew God was telling me, “Don’t be silly, there’s so much more!”  I was thinking, the people who wrote this video would think I’m crazy, some lunatic spiritualist that feels things unseen and believes in the unprovable.  Ha!  Maybe but I’m convinced God is there!  I see so much proof!  So much evidence!  My ideas on our origins are no more far-fetched than theirs.  And how amazing that we have a Creator that loves us!  My life would be dead without His love.  I could go into evidence in the fossils, evidence in creation, but for me all I need is His Spirit living inside of me to convince me that He’s here. My brain still questions, my heart still doubts at times but His reassurance is ever-present.  I ask Him why the equator moves, why the position fo the planets change but maybe that’s just one more way He’s keeping us on our toes, keeping us looking for answers, looking for Him.  If nothing ever changed, how complacent and boring our lives would become!!!

The Artist Within August 24, 2008

Fortunately, art is a community effort – a small but select community livng in a spiritualized world endeavoring to interpret the wars and the solitudes of the flesh.  — Allen Ginsberg

I think Mr. Ginsberg makes a good point but I don’t believe it has to be that way.  I think everyone has an artist within whether they realize it or not.  They just have to find a way to let the artist within come out and express itself.

City on a Hill? August 24, 2008

A view of

I was looking through my Lebanon pics one night and came across some fav’s.

Jesus might have walked along this same hill and basqued in this same view. When he looked at these hills did he see their future? Did he think about what was to come, the people who would travel the winding paths, the villagers living on that hill now, did he think about me, standing there gazing at the same scene his eyes could see? When he talked about a city on a hill, did he think of M…..n and the “lights” there now?
When you’re in such a place for such a short time it’s easy to stay focused on the goal…..not so easy when you’re in your comfort zone, living day to day. It’s so easy for me to not think about other people and just be selfish and think of myself. It’s so easy for me to worry about money, the present, the future, the past, and not hand it over to my Father.
I wish I could wake up each morning and gaze over these hills and refocus. But, maybe if I was there, they would become my everyday, my “comfort zone”. Oh, that my eyes would always be trained on him.